OSCAR NITE VOL. IV: A Winter's SLAYride!!

*I should also learn to spell ‘Jon’ too.

*That was a pretty good bunch of jokes with Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell. The visual comedy was a little better than Ben Stiller’s. Hmmm. These posts aren’t making sense to anyone who aren’t watching the show, are they? Maybe in a week I’ll look back to this and try to reconstruct the evening, as if I’d lost the back tip of the weekend in a drunken binge. But I was actually drunk on lavish awards and glamor! I can feel the glamor coming out of the television and into my skin. Ooooh, my golden skin.

*And we are even robbed of an unhappy Russell Crowe reaction shot when he’s made fun of. This is one skimpy telecast.

*HEY! Stewart just made a joke about ripping down tall pieces of the set! He’s watching me, isn’t he? Aaagh! The microchips are in my wine!!

*Wait, which award is this?

*Oh, Best Supporting Actress. The flashbulb-style transition graphics are like the dots flickering before my eyes as I’m drowning. Instead of my life passing before me, it’s a bunch of powerful highlights from the year’s most acclaimed films. Rachel Weisz wins - the theme of the speeches tonight is: people making the honored films are bold crusaders striving for justice. I really can’t wait for Crash to win - only then can the circle be complete.

*I really wish the make-up commercial immediately following the Good Night, and Good Luck. highlight was actually part of the film. It would have been such a grand comment on today’s world, and then someone could have made a stellar speech about it after its guaranteed win of the The Big One.

*Oh what the hell am I doing even snarking about that? It’s not like these political pictures are guaranteed money anymore. Not quite lighting up the box office.

*Film noir - ah, trailers are worth it. Worth the whole evening. Love those chunky titles.

*Keaton Dept: I guess I should sneak more ‘typical’ post content in here as well. Since we’re talking about Oscars, which means we’re talking about awards not going to deserving people until long after the ship has sailed, I ought to bring up all of these new Buster Keaton dvds that are suddenly out. He didn’t win an award until his honorary one in the ‘50s. I’ll fill this in as the night goes on.

*Jon Stewart’s self-effacement is kind of refreshing, but maybe I’m just thirsty. There’s ‘skits’ - the Dames one was pretty funny.

*A Note of Triumph wins Best Documentary Short Subject. So good to see these people actually on stage, allowed to walk all the way up to the podium. George Clooney is beloved by the cameras.

*There is a big pillow on Charlize Theron’s left shoulder, in case she loses consciousness from rattling off all of these names of Best Documentary Feature nominees that aren’t Grizzly Man. Good utility in gown design! Ah, March of the Penguins - oh god, they brought stuffed animals up on stage and talked politics. Well, I’d bring a stuffed animal too. Which one? A mighty lion? That’s my Zodiac sign.

*Jesus! Michael Moore should have brought a stuffed animal up all those years ago! He’d still be beloved as a teddy bear!

*A song from Future Winner Crash is now on. The stage has caught fire. Why aren’t people evacuating? This is a disaster! Oh... oh god, the flames are climbing! It’s a circle of fire and not a ninja in sight! There’s the awful silhouette of the helpless, caught in the flame - this is a panorama of hell! Hell! Smoke... so much smoke... artistic poses caught in the smoke... ok, they’re trying to help one another. Finally. Oh wow, I’m very inspired now. They might yet escape... NO! DON’T HUG! RUN! RUUUUUUUUUUN!

*My mother just called specifically to tell me how much she hated that performance.