*Huh. This is kind of harder than I’d thought. I can’t spell at all on the fly.

*OH JON. Scientology!

*You don’t all think Crash is going to win? Hey, you can trust me - my wishes regarding the philosophical direction of Infinite Crisis have apparently been granted, so maybe I’ll come out on top in this Oscar-pool-of-the-mind as well! Or maybe I’ve already cashed in my credit with the pop culture gods. Maybe I’d feel differently about all this if I’d actually seen Brokeback Mountain. Oh, who am I kidding - if the Academy wanted me (and I know they’re always thinking of me personally) to take their show seriously, well, they had the chance to put Grizzly Man on at least the short list for an award or something. It’s famously hard (perhaps impossible) to take the Oscars seriously in anything other than a ‘like the Super Bowl but with lovelier gowns’ sense; even my 75-year old great aunt was telling me yesterday that the political fix was ‘in’ - that Brokeback was running low on support due to older, skittish Academy members who are afraid that John Wayne will rise from his tomb to kill them for advocating the besmirchment of the cowboy honor - and they were right! The dead are indeed walking as we speak, as seen in the opening sequence!

At least now everyone (and trust me - auntie is hardly an industry insider) is utterly aware as to the non-quality nature of the proceedings. That’s where all the fun is.

*Say! They’re not going into the aisles to hand out the short film awards this time. That’s nice - last year they might as well have hung up a banner screaming “NOT REAL AWARDS” when those trophies were handed out.

*Circus music? Oh Christ. Animated presenters. I wish the cast of some serious animated film would do this one of these times. Like, next year various characters from A Scanner Darkly could come out. Their jokes can’t be any worse than these.

*The fact that I’ve seen none of these films doesn’t help. Say, Memoirs of a Geisha won something. Costumes. Apparently making films about women is very brave, or something? Just like those bold folks portraying gay characters, which has not been done prior to this year.

*Russell Crowe is trucking through his speech. He would really rather get off the stage. I understand you now, star of Gladiator - our psychic connection has been established. Oh, it’s actors playing famous people. It’s maybe not the best idea for a quick montage - all we have to go on most of the time is pure physical resemblance, and not all of these portrayals are up to snuff in that regard. There’s far more to a performance than looks, but such things are naturally heightened as the focus of attention in a clip barrage.

*How long can I keep it up?!