I Like Read Much Heaps

*As part of my continuing effort to make this website the most delightful place yet conceived, I will now present a selection from the multi-volume memoirs of noted actor Peter O’Toole, a man who knew that ‘autobiography’ didn’t mean having to restrict one’s self. For instance, the entire first book of the series, Loitering With Intent: The Child, juxtaposes O’Toole’s upbringing amidst the ravages of WWII with copious anecdotes taken from the life of Adolph Hitler, complete with imagined dialogues.

In this excerpt, one Mr. Dahlerus, a Swedish businessman attempting to cut a deal between England and Germany prior to the invasion of Poland, visits Hitler in the company of Hermann Göring. However, Hitler had been taking a lot of drugs to get to sleep, and requires more drugs to wake up, and it has toyed with his mood -

(this is all even better if you 'read' it with O'Toole doing the Hitler voice)


See him pause his pacing, fix eternity with a stare, and hear the self-acknowledged greatest orator in Europe huskily slur and mutter to himself:

'Hear my voice my mightiest of own folk. Hear my right mighty voice as rightly you have mightily heard it for right mighty years. Might is right and right is might so it's all right my mighty own folk. We are us, you are me, I am us, we are me, it's miraculous, altogether, I am right irresistibly mighty. I, us, my, we, our military might might rightly smash, crash, bang, boom, wallop, clang, clatter, crunch, batter, bash, shoot, shell, shite, bomb, shite, shite, shite, rightily, mightfully, shitefully, all together now my own folk: "Germany over every fucking body!" Right, Da Da the Swedish kike lover, you bring me the straight tip, bung it to me.'

Dahlerus has described this encounter with Hitler as meeting a phantom from a story book. When he had told the Führer of the hard resolve not to countenance his aims, which had been formed by His Majesty's Government, and the probable consequences of any further aggressive action which the Führer might be contemplating, Mr Dahlerus seems to have sparked off a fair old show of frantic auto-puppetry by Alf.

Erratically flinging his now bloated kisser back and then forward almost to the carpet, again and again and again, milling his arms in chopping great rings, heavily stamping his feet over and over and over, the Führer now began to bark in the voice that had captivated millions: 'U-boats! I shall build U-boats! Shall build U-boats! Build U-boats! U-boats! U-boats! U-boats! U-boats! I shall build U-boats!' There then followed a few phrases which Mr. Dahlerus found that he couldn't follow at all but which, I fancy, went, 'It is my unshakeable intention to build a dog-track at Linz.'

Da Da looked at Fat Hermann, Hermann was just watching, nor did he wobble a chin.

Mr D has recalled that Hitler next asked him why England had perpetually failed to make an agreement with him. After Mr D had diffidently suggested that perhaps it might be that they did not hold complete confidence in either him or his party, Alf had stuck his livid face into Mr D's and shrieked, while at the same time banging his own left tit with his fist, 'Numbskulls! Have I ever told a lie in my life? Aeroplanes! I shall build aeroplanes! Shall build aeroplanes, build aeroplanes, aeroplanes! Aeroplanes! Aeroplanes! Aeroplanes! I shall build aeroplanes and I shall annihilate my enemies!'


It's a very nice book, although it's out of print, I think, so you'll have to look around online for it. This first volume was published in 1992. The second installment, Loitering With Intent: The Apprentice, was published in 1996, and covers O'Toole's early years on the stage. I haven't read the second one, although I doubt Hitler is in it since the author kills him off at the end of the first book. Oh! Spoiler!

O'Toole has said that he wants to devote this year to writing the third volume, featuring his adventures in filmmaking. Certainly the most entertaining actor's memoirs I've read. I've heard Klaus Kinski's are also well worth perusing, but copies of that don't run cheap...

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