Cripes... I thought these things were supposed to be a quick way of filling out a post...

*It seems I’ve been struck with a meme by Mr. Doane. As if I needed an excuse to babble on about myself for ages…

TEN random things about me:

10. Apparently, Alan David Doane thinks I rock.

9. I tend to speak to animals as if they are people, a habit I picked up from years and years with my dog. I just did this with a cat that was wandering around the halls of my apartment building; hopefully my neighbors didn’t hear because I’m certain they’ll think I’m more insane than they already suspect.

8. Speaking of animals, I was once given a dire warning by a dog. I was delivering pizza and I was directed to the wrong town by my address slip. Except, the very same street address existed in the town I was mistakenly provided with, so I went there with no trouble. It wasn’t a good part of town, and the address led me to a rotten old apartment complex. Paint was peeling off the façade, the wooden door was full of splinters and chips, and the interior reeked of beer and smoke, which I could smell just approaching the place. It was late at night. A stray dog crossed my path as I drew closer to the building, and I said hello. He seemed friendly. Balancing the pizza on my palm, I pushed the door open and began walking up the creaking steps. I didn’t have an apartment number (remember, I was in the wrong town), but I figured I’d just knock on someone’s door and see who had the name on the slip. Making my way up the stairs I heard an animal, probably a cat, jumping around. At the top of the stairs, a door to one of the apartments was ajar. The stairway was all dark, but some light was drifting in from a silent television. I thought about knocking or going in. I looked behind me.

The dog was sitting directly outside of the portal to the stairway. It was staring directly into my eyes. It would not cross the threshold into the building. It stared so intently.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling that I was in a place where I shouldn’t be. I walked back down the stairs and left the building and drove away to find a phone to call the number on my slip, after which I discovered that I was in the wrong town. I never went back to that building.

7. I have a booming voice, and people constantly tell me to quiet down because it only gets louder when I chatter about things that interest me.

6. At a young age, I once won a local video game competition by stomping all challengers with my amazing score at “Pac-Man” on the 8-bit NES.

5. I was once thrown out of a swingers’ party in a hotel ballroom. This college professor was egging myself and a friend on to go in while we all lounged around in the lobby. I was hesitant at first, until I saw this woman enter the ballroom: she was wearing the most amazing mask, with huge peacock feathers obscuring her hair. I suddenly became convinced that the whole affair was going to be exactly like “Eyes Wide Shut”, only without the CGI this time. So my friend and I, holding tight to our shared belief that if we carried ourselves like we belonged someplace, others would naturally agree (you’d be surprised at how often that works). We walked down the hall and threw open the doors, and became instantly deflated. It looked like a damned wedding reception. People in suits and stuff dancing to some terrible music, folks sitting at tables: awful. We were immediately accosted by an elderly woman, demanding we produce some invitations. We had none, and were summarily ejected from the premises. The college professor was visible and laughing at us as we returned to the lobby.

Moral: Stanley Kubrick was a fucking old liar.

4. This one time in college, I was sent on a beer run with another guy, though neither of us had access to a car. So we walked to the nearest distributor, a good ten minutes down a busy road and across a bridge. It was winter, and absolute freezing cold, which we thought we could handle. We hadn’t counted on the whipping gusts of wind. The big problem was that we didn’t have hats, and about halfway to the store we were in pretty dire agony. Finally, we made our way inside. Picking up the beer, we decided that there was no way we were going to make it all the way back. Fortunately, our highly educated and fine-tuned intellects combined forces to formulate a brilliant and innovative plan, inspired by public service announcements made on the television of our youth no less. We asked for extra grocery bags to carry our beer in. Upon leaving the store, we proceeded to wrap our heads tightly in the plastic material, just like Inspector Gadget warned us not to, and we tore out just enough room to see and breathe. I sported a ninja look, having freed only my eyes and nose, and my cohort revealed his whole face, becoming something of a supermarket sheik. It worked classically. On the walk back, a passing carload of fellow students beeped their horn and cheered for us, so apparent was out ingenuity and drive. Another big triumph!

3. I once rode a horse, and I felt pretty dashing in the moments where I wasn’t certain that I’d fall off.

2. Wandering through Washington DC at night, a friend and I talked about all sorts of things on the steps of the Capitol Building and in the park that surrounds it and through the nearby streets. Coming across a certain building, we were forced to pause as it was the only that seemed alive with energy and jazz was pouring out of its open doors and seemed so random and mystic. We just stood silently and stared.

1. I have never been outside of the United States. Sad.

And on that note…

NINE places I've visited:

9. As seen above, Washington DC

8. Baltimore, MD, got lost by the docks, had to ask the State Police how to get back home, fun fun fun fun fun.

7. The lake in the forest behind the cemetery when I saw the deer standing there and we read each other’s eyes before it ran and I was left thinking.

6. The Alamo, in San Antonio, TX

5. The lovely US Military Academy in West Point, NY

4. The lovely US Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD

3. Scranton, PA, which they got ALL WRONG on the US version of “The Office”, let me tell you!

2. A billion hotels, but that one in Fairfax, VA is the only one that really matters. Oh, those days.

1. Man, never outside of the US… man. Er, Miami, FL. That was nice.

EIGHT things I want to achieve in life:

8. Visit some other country, obviously.

7. Do an audio commentary on a dvd or whatever format of the future we’ll all be using for our home entertainment, hopefully one that still supports audio commentaries.

6. Write a novel. At this point just finishing one will be enough.

5. Play a musical instrument with some degree of skill.

4. Finish that goddamned piece of Infocom-style interactive fiction that I‘ve been planning forever.

3. Cook a delicious meal from scratch all by myself.

2. Finish this overlong meme before the sun expands into a red giant and devours the Earth into its gaseous bosom.

1. Become President of Outer Space and legalize hologram marijuana.

SEVEN ways to win my heart:

7. Introduce me to new things, and get me drugged on your own excitement.

6. Make me laugh with awful jokes.

5. Impress me without trying.

4. I’m not a fan of cannibals. So you probably shouldn’t tell me you eat human flesh.

3. Don‘t be afraid to complain, but follow it with affirmative acts; non-stop bitterness devoid of forward motion makes Jog roll his eyes.

2. Enjoy comics.

1. Show me simple kindness when it’s not at all necessary.

SIX things I believe:

6. That there is a certain beauty to fuzzy images and rotting film and hazy sights and a lack of gloss.

5. That absolute serenity can strike at any time, in any place, without warning, and multiple times.

4. That glasses can make literally any woman look just a little bit better.

3. That my dog, while not necessarily psychic, can at least use his advanced hearing can pick up minute sounds in my body that give off a certain involuntary signature when I intend to do certain things, which is why her perks up and starts jumping around when I grab my keys to take him for a walk, but only when I intend to take him for a walk, regardless of what time of the day it is.

2. That I’m honestly a pretty good writer, if I do say so myself.

1. That I‘ll probably get by.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. Awakening at night from a dreamtime flashback of childhood chicken pox, only to find my exposed arms crawling with ants and cockroaches (aren‘t you all glad I answered this meme?).

4. Sudden, irreversible bodily deformity.

3. Becoming utterly dependant on others for basic daily activity.

2. Watching things die.

1. Extreme heights in general, though unguarded or ill-maintained walkways can whisk me away into paralyzing vertigo at as little as ten feet in the air.

FOUR of my favorite things:

4. Good comics (and some of the bad ones).

3. Silent films.

2. My coffee bean grinder.

1. My dear Internet.

THREE things I do everyday:

3. Read something.

2. Run a song through my head to keep the brain canyons clear.


TWO things I'm not trying to do right now:

2. Prepare myself for all of the ridiculous stuff that‘s gonna pop up in the next month or so of my life.

1. Face the facts about my personal mortality and the inevitable decay of the mind that strolls hand-in-hand with survival past a certain point in time. Nope, not thinking of that… HEY!

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Well now I want to see someone with Prozac… THANKS, ALAN!!!