Jog's Hot New Cola Review Corner!

*It's not sweet like LAST WEEK'S REVIEWS:

The Golden Plates Vol. 1: The Sword of Laban and The Tree of Life, JLA: Classified #1, Hulk/Thing: Hard Knocks #3 (of 4) (the first one there is installment #1 of Mike Allred's sometimes text-thick adaptation of the Book of Mormon)

Astonishing X-Men #6, The Punisher MAX #13, Joe R. Lansdale’s By Bizarre Hands #5 (of 6)

Chris Ware by Daniel Raeburn, The Intimates #1 (the former is the flawed but thought-provoking new book on the much-loved Mr. Ware by the creator of "The Imp"... I have no idea where this post vanished to on the main page, but it will appear if you click this link)

Low in sugar!

*There is a fever sweeping our land for new Holiday Spice Pepsi. This was brought to my attention through the presence of several threads on prominent Internet Message Boards discussing this limited edition drink and possibly its impact on vote counting in Ohio; I didn‘t read all the way through. It was enough that I’d been alerted to a fresh iteration for a soft drink that I normally dislike; each and every time, I’m certain that I’ll enjoy the latest Pepsi formula, only to be greeted with the refreshing taste of absolute revulsion after plunking down my cherished dollar and change. But there I was again, eagerly snatching up a bottle of the new Pepsi gimmick.

I think it’s all due to my missing out on Crystal Pepsi back in the day. I really and truly regret having never quaffed a Crystal Pepsi, in much the same way I’m still bitter over passing up that Nintendo Virtual Boy they once had on sale at the mall for $30 with the complete library of games included, all eight of them. And I know that the Virtual Boy would have only seared my eyes with its hellish red graphics, just like Crystal Pepsi probably wouldn’t have tasted like real crystals. It’s the spirit of the thing that gets to me, not the delicious flavor of precious gems.

So I bought a Holiday Spice Pepsi and admired its sinister red tint; it looks like the sort of thing I ought to be slipping into the soup of Communist spies, or maybe pouring over bars of lead with my fingers crossed. I was certain that I’d be whisked away into a new dimension of adventure, one that only my imagination could provide, just like in “Muppet Babies“ only with more cola than Nanny would allow even Baby Animal to sample.

"Baby Animal was so hardcore," I thought as I cracked the freshness seal, "But now I am harder!"

What a letdown after I actually drank the stuff; simply going by taste I’d say the Holiday Spices are approximately one quarter ginger, one quarter squirrel vomit, one quarter the weeping souls of murdered children, and one quarter concentrated awful. It was disgusting. I really hope this little post attracts Google searches, like ‘Hubba Bubba MAX’ used to, because I’d dearly like every Internet traveler to know that Holiday Spice Pepsi is a revolting fucking drink.

And yet, as I walked my way back to the Laundromat and sat down for another twenty spellbinding minutes of watching my socks dry, a random patron actually walked up to me and said:

Hi… I don’t want to be nosy, but… how is that?

Of course, she was pointing to Delightful New Holiday Spice Pepsi Limited Hologram Chromium Edition. I began to mumble something about nutmeg when her boyfriend (husband?) happened by and said:

Hey. You think that stuff’ll go good with spiced rum? Since there’s spices in it already?

I told him that I didn’t know what the spices really were. We all tried searching the label for clues, but Pepsi’s secrets were under lock and key. The rum compatibility issue was left unresolved. For now. But I know that more and more unfortunate fools like myself will run afoul of Pepsi’s latest scheme. I pray that this Internet Blog Posting will save even a few poor individuals from spicy holiday disappointment.